From better days....

Though Zelda was often quiet and moody, there where also times of joy and humor, as shown in this coolection of jokes ske kept:


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what's yours?"
"Tommy," replied the other.
"My daddy's an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
"He's a lawyer," Tommy answers.
"Honest?" says Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown
off. "How did this happen?" The doctor asked. "I was trying to commit
suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?" "Well, I put the gun in my ear and I thought it was going to make
a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainian. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…"
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away…” Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it…

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheepherder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382." "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

  • Ms. Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that." Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't forewarned."
  • The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" – "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."
  • The teacher asked one day, "What is a word that begins with a?" Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher ignored him. "Apple," another student answered.

Then, she said, "What words begins with b?" Again, Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher ignored him. "Balloon," another student said. Finally, the teacher got down to R, and Little Johnny again raised his hand. She finally decided to let him have a chance. "Do you know a word that begins with R?" "Rats!! Big ugly, slimy rats!! With testes this big!!!"

  • The day after Halloween, Little Johnny sat on the park picnic table, gorging on his candy with sinful abandon. An old lady saw what was happening and said, "That cannot be good for you when you are young. You need to have more concern for your personal health," to which he replied, "My granddaddy lived to be to 100!" "I bet he never had that much sugar in one sitting!" "My granddaddy always minded his own freakin business!"

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double. The man thinks for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death".

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"

  • An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

  • Knock knock.

Who's there?


Boo who?

Don't cry; it's only a knock-knock joke And besides, crying over a knock-knock joke is outrageous!

  • A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

  • A Catholic Priest, an Orthodox Rabbi and a Muslim Cleric all sit next to one another at a diner. The Rabbi turns to the other two and says,

"Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

And a few more:

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.

Evolution -- life's a niche, and then you die

All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening

The Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia, she is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas

Between the ages 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30-35 a woman is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty

Between the ages of 35-40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but still be a warm and desirable place to visit

Between the ages of 40-50 a woman is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary

Between the ages of 50-60 a woman is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there

The Geography of a man

Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Iraq…. Ruled by a dick…

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home

Q: What is the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow

Eli Jacobi Nielsen